Destined (or doomed) to be nomadic forever

I’m going to start this off by saying I have a really bad habit of thinking of people I haven’t talked to in a little, reaching out, and then when they respond maybe 30 minutes later, I don’t get back to them for another three days. I don’t know why I felt the need to confess, I just did. This is an apology and a vow that I’m gonna be a lot better about that now that I’m unemployed and have actually no excuse. I think that’s one thing that I’m going to have to truly grapple with post-grad: the idea that there’s going to be a lot of time where I’m not busy. I’m someone who almost always likes to be on the go. That’s why I loved NYC last summer so much. There was always something to do and I was the person to go out and do it. This is all tangential to what I actually wanted to talk about but thoughts to safekeep for another time.

Besides the required writing class I had to take my freshman year of college, I took one other writing class this spring semester of my senior year called Writing in the Visual World with Bethany Daniels. The class came at the recommendation of my dear friend Will who said the class was an easy A and the professor an eclectic angel: music to my ears as both a 2nd semester senior itching for a breezy schedule and a primary business student trying to claw out of the grips of Bauer and Simon halls. The singular objective of the class, outside of personal growth, increased comfortability around sharing your writing, reading different writing styles to incorporate into your own work blah blah blah, was to write a memoir about “your being and becoming” as an individual. Prior to this class, I’ve only done researched based and persuasive writing pieces, so I was a wee bit scared to write about my own experiences. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the farthest from an open book. I’m a locked door with a key that was burned, mangled, and then thrown into the bottom of the ocean. Also another topic for another post. Maybe. However, I got personal and dug a little deep and produced a memoir that I’m really proud of. Not sure I’ll ever share it publicly but I’m working myself up to share it with my friends and mom. In summary, my memoir is about my inherent, unquenchable thirst to wander and travel and explore cities not of my own, how my mother has influenced this facet of my identity, and the cities that have shaped me and contributed to my personal growth. I met with my professor a few days before I left St. Louis along with my friends Will, who had taken/recommended the class, and Sophia, who had also taken the class with me. Bethany is a talker, in the best way possible, and we were chatting about school, life post-grad, our memoirs etc. I told her about how I hadn’t found any marketing jobs, so I was going home for the summer, taking French lessons and waitressing, and if I still didn’t have a job by the end of September, I was going to Paris to be an au pair. Now that I think about it, I might share snippets of my memoir so y’all can understand the impact Paris had on me. I’ll probably share some of the NYC bits too, since that’s already come up and another place I can’t stop talking (and dreaming) about. Anyways, after I shared my post-grad plans and how I could see myself being in Paris long term, my professor said something along the lines of “Yes I could see that for you, the way you talk about the city makes it seem like it really fits you… xyz…” and then she said “But I don’t think you’re ever really gonna settle, I could see you being a nomadic wanderer forever.” Even though she meant well, and I have to remember she’s only known me for a semester, something about that really shook me. I’ve been thinking about that quote for the past week. Because as much as I consider myself nomadic, the idea of never settling seems terrifying. I think I could travel and wander from now, age 21, to about 30 but after that if I haven’t found a place to grow roots, I’ll spiral. I guess I’m wondering, what am I really looking for? Is it the classic running from something or towards something else dilemma? Questions for future me.